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The Value of a Star: Ratings Explained

Swiss Family Robinson
By: Johann David Wyss
My Rating: Two out of Five Stars
Best For: Readers 16+ (who have a high tolerance for boredom)

Swiss Family Robinson: The Book That Makes Kids Hate Reading

Dad rant incoming.

My 13-year-old was assigned this for his literature class, and I have one question for the educators out there: Are you trying to make kids hate to read?

If you are looking for the high-adventure, pirate-fighting, treehouse-building, coconut bombing excitement of the Disney movie… keep looking. This book is not that. In fact, THERE ARE NO PIRATES! What it does have is 400 pages of repetitive monotony.

The “plot” follows a predictable, exhausting loop: The family finds a random animal, the dad explains every scientific fact about it like he’s reading a Wikipedia entry from the future, they kill the animal for “museum” purposes, they pray, the mother (who doesn’t even get a name) cooks a gourmet feast out of sand and tree bark, they pray again, and they go to sleep. Repeat for ten years.

There is zero peril. Every “conflict” is resolved in the same paragraph it’s introduced. The father is an insufferably smug know-it-all, and the children are flat, obedient robots. It’s less of a story and more of a 19th-century instruction manual on how to be “perfect.”

For those that want to say it’s unfair to judge a book written in 1812 by modern day standards, I say poo on you. I can enjoy and appreciate literature from the same period (I’m talking to you, Jane Austen, and you, Mary Shelley). Swiss Family Robinson is just plain boring.

I’m all for classic literature, but let’s be strategic. If you want a 13-year-old to appreciate the 1800s without destroying their reading future, give them The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It’s interesting, it’s easy to follow, and it’s under 100 pages. Treasure Island is fun. So is Little Women, Frankenstein, and The Jungle Book. Save Swiss Family Robinson one for an honors college course—or better yet, just skip the book and watch the movie.

And you know what, teachers? While I’m at it, here are some other classics that are terribly boring and should never be places in the hands of children deciding if they are going to grow up to be readers or video game addicts:

-The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
-Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
-Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
-The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane
-The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
-Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
-Walden by Henry David Thoreau
-Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
-The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

There are plenty of others, these are just off the top of my head.

Content Guide for Parents & Discerning Readers:

Age Recommendation: 16+ (Only because of the sheer boredom factor).

Warning: This book may stunt your child’s interest in reading for years.

Animal Cruelty: High. The family exploits or kills almost every creature they see, often just to “check it out.”

Gender Roles: Extremely dated and chauvinistic. The mother is a nameless domestic servant.

Tone: Heavily moralizing and preachy. The father delivers constant lectures on work ethic and religion.

Realism: Zero. They find every resource they need perfectly intact, and no one gets so much as a cold in ten years on a deserted island.

The Verdict:

2 Stars. It’s a great idea that was executed with all the excitement of a dry lecture. If you value your child’s future as a reader, let this “classic” stay on the shelf.

Happy Reading! (Unless you’re reading Swiss Family Robinson.)